Pursuing Happiness Read online

  “He’s incredible,” he told Dex, though his bearded dragon couldn’t be bothered to open even one eye. “Not just to look at, though he definitely is handsome.” He could almost still feel Collin sucking on his lip, something he needed to experience a second time as soon as possible. The weekend could not arrive soon enough.

  Matt finally gave in and bought an air conditioning unit that he found for sale online. It cut into his already limited window space and his electric bill was going to increase, but meteorologists were calling for another sweltering summer and he didn’t care to repeat the previous July where he’d courted heatstroke in his own apartment.

  Sarah approved. “It’s still a cave, but at least it’s a cool cave now.”

  “Hey, with Collin I don’t have to worry about my place. His is a mirror of it. And he really doesn’t seem to mind that I’m socially awkward.”

  “Matt, you went on a few dates with a few different guys and then spent, what, a month with one particular jerk? We’ve all done it. Don’t let them get you so down on yourself.”

  “That’s more or less what my therapist said,” he admitted. It was easier said than done.

  “See? Great minds think alike.”

  “Then she made me come up with three things about myself that a guy might be attracted to, and I wasn’t allowed to use my great hair for one of them.” Matt didn’t think he was particularly vain, but he had nice hair and he knew it. Sarah herself had told him how much she envied his hair on multiple occasions.

  “What did you decide on?”

  “I’m compassionate,” he counted off on his fingers, “loyal, and thoughtful.”

  “Don’t forget fun. When you relax and stop worrying you’re a lot of fun. Are you seeing him this weekend?”

  “He invited me over for a movie tomorrow.”

  “A movie, huh?” Sarah waggled her eyebrows. “Did he use the phrase ‘Netflix and chill’ by any chance?”

  “Please. Even I know that one. And no, he did not.”

  “You can always suggest it.”

  “Not really my style.” It was far bolder than Matt’s usual habits.

  “Style can change, you know.”

  “Maybe.” He wasn’t sure bold and brash would ever be his style.

  Sarah looked into Dex’s habitat. “I bet this dude would like some of the watermelon I brought.”

  “I’m sure he would. Does that mean I should get it?”

  “I will,” she said, walking over to the fridge. “You know, I’ve always been more of a mammal fan, but Dex grows on you. I think he likes me, too.”

  “Of course he likes you. You give him treats.”

  “That whole thing about the way to a man’s heart being through his stomach? Works on other species, too. Which reminds me, you’re a good cook. You should invite Collin over for dinner and show off your stuff.”

  “Good idea.”

  “I’m full of good ideas.” She handed him a bowl of watermelon chunks. “I recommend that orange chicken you made for my birthday. It was awesome.”

  “I could do that.” Matt watched as Dex happily chowed down on his watermelon. “I really like him.”

  “I can tell. And he likes you, obviously, so don’t worry so much.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Now. Tell me more about Collin.”

  “Didn’t you have a date this week?” he asked.

  “Yes, and I learned that in our previous conversations he conveniently forgot to mention that he just separated from his pregnant wife. I’m not getting involved in a mess like that. Therefore we’re going to focus on the one of us who’s having success in the dating department.”

  “Well, he’s a good kisser.” Matt smiled, thinking of their last kiss goodnight. Afterwards he’d gone straight to take care of his erection. Masturbating was sinful in his parents’ worldview, but he’d gotten to the point where he could enjoy it without even a smidge of guilt, as he had after that kiss. “A really good kisser. And he’s such a gentleman. He opens doors for me. Nobody’s ever done that.” Matt was perfectly capable of opening doors, but it made him feel extra special when Collin did it for him.

  “Ooh, he does sound like a keeper.”

  “He held my hand through the entire lecture.” This had resulted in Matt learning less than he might have, since he was pleasantly distracted, and he wasn’t remotely sorry either. “I’ve always been a little fuzzy on how chemistry works between two people, but I think I’m starting to get it. It’s like everything else around us stops mattering and I don’t want to let go of him.”

  “That’s chemistry alright,” confirmed Sarah. “I’m happy for you. You deserve a great guy.”

  “Thanks.”

  “And I want to meet Collin sooner rather than later.”

  “When in a relationship is it time to meet the family, anyway?”

  “Family?” Sarah looked up, a fork frozen in midair.

  “You’re as good as family.”

  This earned him an enthusiastic hug. “I always wanted a big brother.”

  Matt wasn’t even six full months older than Sarah but wasn’t about to quibble over the detail. At that moment he was perfectly content to bask in the realization that family didn’t have to be defined by shared genes.

  Chapter Six

  “It’s a boy!” Todd’s excitement came through the phone loud and clear. “This time he let us see his equipment and he’s definitely a he.”

  “I’m going to have a nephew? Awesome.” In truth Collin didn’t care if he had a nephew or a niece, he was just looking forward to spoiling the kid.

  “You know I’d have been as happy with a girl. It’s just that knowing makes it seem more real.”

  “I get it.”

  “Narrows down our quest for the perfect name, too,” said Todd.

  “How’s that going?” Last he’d heard, his brother and sister-in-law had yet to agree on a single name.

  “Let’s just say it’s a good thing we’ve got another three and a half months.”

  “That well, huh?”

  “I’d like to see you decide what to name a tiny human being.”

  “That generally requires wanting a tiny human being of my own, but if you really want me to name your kid I can give it some serious thought.”

  “Just you wait. My son’s gonna be so awesome you’ll be dying to have one yourself.”

  Collin wasn’t so sure about this. He was decidedly ambivalent on the topic of having children and felt that anything short of a resounding ‘yes’ equaled ‘no.’ It did remind him that at some point he’d want to know Matt’s thoughts on the subject. He’d once dated a guy for a few months only to find out his boyfriend wanted to start a family immediately and somehow thought Collin did too, an experience he didn’t care to repeat.

  “I don’t know about that.”

  “You’ll see,” insisted Todd.

  “I guess. Anyway, I hate to cut you off, but Matt should be here any minute.”

  “It’s nice to know where I am on the totem pole of your affection.”

  “Ha, ha. Remind me again who spent last Thanksgiving weekend helping you strip wallpaper? You know I prefer stripping hot men.”

  “I’ll let you get to it, then.”

  “I am excited about the little guy, you know.” He didn’t want his brother to think he didn’t care. Being an uncle was going to be a lot of fun, especially once his nephew got old enough to walk and talk. However, the baby wouldn’t be making his debut for over three months and Matt should be arriving any time now.

  “I know,” said Todd. “The waiting is getting to me too. Have fun on your date. Take care.”

  “You too.”

  When Matt arrived, he went right for a kiss. He still seemed a touch self-conscious about kissing but not nearly as much as he’d been before. “Hi,” he said when they parted.

  “Hi yourself. Good to see you. Have a seat and I’ll get the popcorn going.”

  Collin put a ba
g of popcorn in the microwave. If he was going to have a movie date at home he might as well do it right with extra butter popcorn.

  “How’ve you been?” asked Matt.

  “Great. My brother called to tell me I’m going to have a nephew. Not that I had a preference for a boy or a girl, but it’s exciting.”

  “You said this is his first, right?”

  “Yep. First grandchild for my parents so they’re over the moon. Water, hard lemonade, or root beer?” he asked.

  “Water, thanks. Do you have any other siblings?”

  “No, just Todd. You?”

  “Four sisters and two brothers,” replied Matt. “They don’t talk to me anymore, though.”

  Well, shit. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

  Before he could finish Matt said, “It’s okay. Mentioning my family doesn’t send me into a tailspin anymore. It’s sad, but I refuse to let it ruin my entire life.”

  For Matt’s sake that was fortunate. All the same Collin wasn’t about to go asking for details. It was far too early to pry, so instead he simply handed over the water.

  “Do you want kids of your own, Collin?”

  He should’ve seen the question coming. When Matt wanted to know something he never worried about the timing, he just asked. “I’m not sure. It’s not a ‘no, never.’ On the other hand I don’t think I should go for fatherhood unless my answer is ‘yes, definitely,’ and it isn’t at this point.” The lack of concern over unintended pregnancy was a great advantage to being gay.

  “I get that,” replied Matt. “The way I see it, I don’t need to decide right now. I’m still dealing with crap from my childhood; I’m nowhere near ready to make a life choice as huge as children. I’m not at a place where I can see myself with kids. Maybe I never will be.”

  “Yeah,” agreed Collin. “For now at least I’m happy to be an uncle.” Pleased that they were in agreement, he dumped the popcorn into a bowl and made his way to the couch. “Okay, ready for your introduction to the wonderful world of 50s horror flicks?”

  “Popcorn, check. Water, check. You, check. Yep, I’m good.”

  Collin settled in beside his date and hit ‘Play.’ He’d seen the movie enough times that he only half watched it. His attention wandered to take in Matt’s reactions and simply enjoy the other man’s presence.

  “What did you think?” he asked when the movie was done.

  “It was fun. A little hard to see why it was so scary when it was first released. It wasn’t like I was ever scared enough to jump in your lap or anything.”

  Now that was an opening too good to pass up. “You don’t need an excuse to jump in my lap, you know.”

  Matt raised his eyebrows with a hint of a smile. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Collin’s good mood was so obvious that the front door hadn’t even shut behind him when Violet remarked, “Someone had a good weekend.”

  Violet was the first person visitors to Ted’s Place encountered Monday through Friday. Her job at the front desk was half receptionist, half therapist, and she was perceptive enough to be very good. Collin thought they were starting to be friends.

  “I did,” he confirmed. Not quite as good as it could’ve been if Matt had ended up, say, naked in his bed. Or couch. Or anywhere, really; Collin was very open-minded about where nudity and sex could take place. They hadn’t gone further than making out and, in Collin’s case at least, jerking off as soon as he closed the door behind Matt. It was still a great weekend even if they weren’t rushing into sex. But he didn’t want to talk about all this with Violet.

  She gave an exaggerated sigh. “It’s easier for you to have good dates.”

  “Who said anything about dates?”

  “You didn’t have to.”

  “For all you know I could’ve won a dream vacation or achieved my lifelong goal of completing a marathon.” Never mind that completing a marathon sounded torturous.

  Violet shook her head. “No, this is definitely the ‘I had a great date’ kind of happiness. Lucky.”

  “I can’t imagine you have much trouble with dates.” She was big-hearted, lively, and girl-next-door cute with bright hair dyed to match her name. If you went for women, Violet would be great.

  “Getting dates is one thing. It gets complicated as soon as I tell them I’m bi. Then I have to wonder if a guy is into me, or into the idea of a threesome with me and ‘a friend.’ As though I keep a list of friends on call waiting for threesome opportunities.” She rolled her eyes. “Lesbians start to worry that I’m going to decide this was just a phase and I’m really straight, or something like that.”

  Collin voiced the obvious solution, other than people getting over biphobia and ceasing to fetishize bisexual women. Those would be good, but not in Violet’s control. “Sounds like you need to find someone who’s also bi.”

  “If you meet anyone reasonably mature, feel free to send them my way.”

  “Got it,” he said.

  “While I’m asking you for things, I heard a couple of people talking Friday about how so much of what we do focuses on younger people.”

  “Fair point.” Collin considered this for a minute. As the communications manager he wore two hats: one for marketing, and the other for disseminating information to the community about resources and programs. That included the center’s website and the brochures on display near Violet’s desk, some of which were in desperate need of updating. He eyed the brochures and sure enough, they were clearly designed for younger folks.

  “I’m going to talk with Paul about the programming side,” continued Violet, “but I thought maybe you could come up with a resource brochure. They were talking about how it’s a lot harder to come out at 50 than 20.”

  Collin wasn’t sure coming out was ever easy, and his own experience had been a good one. On the other hand, his peers were more accepting of homosexuality than previous generations and he hadn’t spent decades living a lie about who he was. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll talk to Lindsay and put something together.” Lindsay, the center’s social worker, was bound to have good ideas. Collin hadn’t spent much time with her but it didn’t take long in Lindsay’s presence to discover that she had information for every conceivable situation.

  “Hey Collin?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Is this the same guy you brought to the lecture?”

  “Yes. His name’s Matt.”

  She grinned. “You can’t even say his name without smiling. And the two of you are cute together, by the way.”

  “Thanks.”

  It took Collin a few minutes to put Matt out of his mind and get to work.

  Chapter Seven

  “Collin is so much more fun, and just plain nicer, than anyone else I’ve dated.” Matt paused to ask his therapist, “Does going out on a single date count as dating?”

  “For this purpose at least.” Elaine gave him her I’m-about-to-challenge-you look. “Have you considered that Collin isn’t the only one who’s different?”

  “Uh, no.”

  “Now that I’ve brought it up, what comes to mind?”

  Matt took a minute to consider the question. She had to be talking about him, and after a moment of thought he figured there was some truth to that. “Well, the first couple dates I went on were before I’d really accepted that I’m gay.” No surprise that neither had led to a second date while Matt was still having moments of panic about his sexuality.

  “And?” prompted Elaine. She was big on pressing for self-reflection.

  “And I don’t think having sex with a man is going to send me to Hell, or that the only reason to have sex is to procreate.”

  He’d been raised to believe that sex was dangerous if one didn’t keep a tight lid on such desires, because it would end up controlling you and becoming your first priority when it ought not to be. Matt no longer viewed sex as a terribly sinful act because, as he saw it, God made nearly everyone want it. That being the case, he couldn’t envision a loving God giv
ing people sex drives but then demanding that sex be used purely for procreation. It had taken him time, but he’d embraced the idea that he could have a healthy and enjoyable intimate life of his own choosing.

  Elaine said nothing, so he considered further.

  “I’m also in a better place overall. It’s like the baggage from my family has gone from several suitcases down to a manageable carryon.”

  She smiled and raised her eyebrows. “That’s a unique way to phrase it. You’re absolutely right that you’ve made tremendous progress, and I think that’s given you more confidence.”

  He didn’t think of himself as particularly confident, except at work. He knew what he was doing with animals. People were another story entirely. “Confidence how?”

  “You’re still hard on yourself for your social skills, even though you’ve come a long way there as well. On the whole, though, you used to reason along the lines that you needed to date whoever asked simply because they showed interest. As though you never really believed you had a reason to expect a wonderful man so you’d have to settle for whoever would have you.”

  That seemed a bit harsh. “I wasn’t that bad. I stopped seeing Brendan when he decided I needed to hurry up and let him fuck me already.”

  “Yes, and that was an important step for you. Two years ago would you have done the same, or would you have just given in because you didn’t think you’d find anyone better?”

  “I…” he trailed off, looking at the large potted fern because making eye contact was too much at the moment. If there was one thing Matt had learned about therapy, it was how often the process required facing unpleasant truths. “You might have a point, much as I hate to admit it.”

  “This is a good thing. We talked about that after you decided to end things with Brendan, remember?”

  “Yeah. I just don’t like to think I was ever so weak that I’d have caved.”

  “You’re not weak. In fact you’re incredibly strong to have escaped an emotionally abusive family and built a life for yourself based on healthier patterns. I’m not trying to put you down, Matt. On the contrary, I’m pointing out how far you’ve come and how you’re in a position to actually have a healthy relationship now.”