Pursuing Happiness Page 5

  Oh. That was alright then. “So all this was a long way of giving your seal of approval?”

  “You don’t need my approval.”

  “Okay, is that your way of saying this seems like a healthy relationship?”

  She smiled slightly. “Yes.”

  That was a relief. Matt may not need approval, but he appreciated not being the only one who saw his budding relationship with Collin as good, especially because he was still working on trusting his own judgment about guys.

  “I think it helps that Collin doesn’t make a big deal out of my, let’s say not-yet-ideal social skills. I can tell there have been a couple instances where I asked something at an awkward time, like when I asked how old he was. His eyebrows go up a little in surprise but then he just goes with it and answers the question. He’s not asking for the whole sordid story of how I grew up so isolated, either.”

  “That’s excellent. He’s respecting your right to share information at your own pace.”

  “There is something confusing me a little,” he admitted. “Dating adds another layer to the questions I’m never sure if people are genuine about. Not when he asks; when other people ask about him.”

  Some of the most baffling social interactions for Matt were other people’s questions such as, ‘How are you?’ While seemed simple at first, he’d quickly learned that sometimes he wasn’t supposed to respond with anything other than, ‘Fine, thanks. And you?’ For goodness’ sake, some people asked how he was while they passed each other on the sidewalk, as though that was an appropriate time for a question.

  It made no sense. For the life of him, he didn’t know why it became customary to ask questions when everyone knew you didn’t care about the answer. Everyone but Matt, that was. He was still working on figuring out this weird fixation society had with inquiries that were expected but not genuine. His present approach was to assume that people he didn’t know well would expect nothing more than a cursory response.

  “The replies we’ve discussed before still apply with the inclusion of Collin,” said Elaine. “It’s always safe to start with a general answer, particularly if you’re speaking with someone who’s more of an acquaintance than a friend.”

  “I still don’t get the point of asking a question when you don’t care about the answer. Pet owners at work don’t really want to know how my week is going.”

  “Small talk doesn’t always make sense on the surface, but it’s part of how we connect with the wider world in a way that’s friendly but not intrusive.”

  Some days, Matt wondered if any of this would ever come easily to him.

  Collin was a naturally good-looking man, and having Dex on his shoulder made him that much more attractive because it meant he embraced Matt’s pet. While he was still concerned that Dex could fall off and get hurt despite Matt’s promise that the beardie would hang on perfectly, Matt wasn’t worried, and he liked to see the two together. For his part, Collin seemed happy that Dex liked him.

  “Do all bearded dragons like people this much?” he asked.

  “Usually, if they’re raised with people. I’ve handled him every day since he was a baby, so he’s used to human interaction.” Matt was nothing short of the ideal bearded dragon owner. He loved Dex, and he took the responsibility of caring for a living creature very seriously.

  “How old is he?”

  “A year and a half.” Dex had ended up being on the smaller end of the spectrum for an adult eastern bearded dragon, which just meant he had more room in his habitat.

  “Oh, can you take a picture for me? This will make a cool profile picture.”

  Matt happily obliged. He enjoyed showing off his pet.

  Once Dex made his way down Collin’s arm toward his jungle gym, the two humans sat on Matt’s couch. “Man, I needed this,” announced Collin. “I’ve spent the last two days redesigning our informational brochures and I’m seeing them when I close my eyes.”

  Midweek dates were easy enough when dating one’s neighbor, and Matt was just as pleased to spend a few hours with Collin. He didn’t understand was how anyone could do the same task at work for two entire days without losing their mind. The patients he worked with represented a variety of species and came in with different needs ranging from surgeries to simple nail clipping. Two days on the same project was unfathomable.

  “I can’t relate to that at all,” he said.

  “It’s pretty unusual for me, actually. Communications covers quite a range of responsibilities. It’s one of the things I like about my job.”

  “I get that. I mean, I’d be bored if I spent two days doing nothing but, I don’t know, cleaning dogs’ teeth.”

  Collin laughed. “Doggy dentist?”

  “They’re terrible about flossing.”

  “I’d think the lack of opposable thumbs is a pretty good excuse for not flossing.”

  “You’re right,” said Matt. “For a lot of things, actually.”

  “Sure. We can give them a pass on not having a written language while we’re at it.”

  Matt chuckled and reached for Collin’s hand. “Now there’s an interesting image. They’d probably end up eating pen caps.”

  “They’d need clicker pens, then.”

  It was nice, Matt decided, to find a guy who shared his quirky sense of humor. He genuinely enjoyed spending time with Collin just hanging out, no need for special dates, and that met one of his requirements for a successful relationship.

  “If you got a pet, what would it be?” he asked.

  “When I was a kid I wanted a pet dragon that I could fly on. That was before I realized how much it would cost to feed a dragon big enough to fly on, never mind housing it.”

  “And the minor detail that they don’t exist.”

  “That too. I don’t know, I like dogs but then you have to commit to being home to bring it outside often enough, take it for walks, all that. Right now that’s not a commitment I feel like making because I like the freedom to go off and do what I want, when I want. Maybe something like a guinea pig.”

  “It’s best to have at least two guinea pigs,” replied Matt automatically. After the words were out, he hoped he hadn’t offended Collin with his correction.

  “Shows you how much I know about them, but I’m not planning to get pets any time soon. I’ll stick with visiting yours, if that’s alright.”

  “As long as you don’t spend all of your time with Dex.”

  Collin’s response was a trio of kisses. “Never. He’ll have to live with being my secondary interest in this apartment.”

  “I’m sure he’ll manage.”

  Dex managed just fine when they ignored him in favor of cuddling on the couch. Sure, it was a tight fit, but that was a great part of the appeal. It meant Matt ended up half lying on Collin, with those wonderful strong arms holding him close like he was the most precious thing in the world. A man could get used to that feeling.

  Chapter Eight

  Not only was Matt cute, sweet, and fun, he was also a good cook. Collin wasn’t a complete imbecile in the kitchen, thanks to his mother’s insistence that both of her sons learn the basics of feeding themselves without relying entirely on takeout. It was nevertheless immediately obvious upon sitting down to the meal Matt prepared that he was a superior cook.

  He was such a good cook, in fact, that after dinner they were both stuffed and lacking in energy. They decided to watch a movie because it allowed them to be suitably lazy. Collin went back to his apartment to grab the DVD, and when he returned to Matt’s he was slightly alarmed to hear Matt on the phone saying, “Alright, it’s a date. Collin’s back, gotta go. Bye.”

  “A date?” he asked, trying for nonchalant. After all, they hadn’t talked exclusivity and had only been seeing each other for a few weeks. That didn’t mean he liked the idea of Matt on a date with anyone else.

  “Not that kind of date,” said Matt, unconcerned. “My friend Sarah works for a cat rescue. They’re having a fundraiser and she asked me to
go with her. Apparently the chair of the board wants to set Sarah up with her grandson in the worst way.”

  “So you’re a fake date?” Collin’s jealousy eased slightly.

  “It’s sure not real. Even if I was into women, Sarah… well, we’ve basically adopted each other as siblings. She’s dying to meet you, actually.”

  That sounded promising and on the strength of it Collin asked, “You’re not seeing anyone else?”

  “No.”

  Nothing ventured, nothing gained. “What do you think of keeping it that way?”

  Matt’s eyes flew wide open. “Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m doing.”

  “I’d like that.” Matt closed the distance between them and laid a gentle kiss on Collin’s lips. “A lot. But I don’t know anything about how to be a boyfriend.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” He knew Matt didn’t have much dating experience, but to be the guy’s first boyfriend? That was pretty damn thrilling and also a big responsibility. “I wouldn’t have asked you to be my boyfriend if I didn’t think you’d be a good one.”

  Matt smiled, one of his shy grins that made Collin’s insides turn gooey.

  “So, your adopted sister wants to meet me?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’d like that.”

  “And I think you’ll like her. Sarah… I don’t know where I’d be without her.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Sit and I’ll tell you about it.” Collin obligingly sat on the couch and grabbed Matt’s hand as his boyfriend – oh yeah, it felt right to think of Matt as his boyfriend - began, “Two months before I graduated from my vet tech program my parents kicked me out.”

  He’d known Matt’s parents disowned him, but they kicked him out too? It happened all the time, and Collin hated it every time he heard the story. To hear that his own boyfriend had gone through it was another level of anger. “Fuck.”

  “Yeah. Mom went snooping, because my family doesn’t believe in privacy. Privacy lets people hide sin, you know. Anyway, she found what she was looking for.”

  “Gay porn?” he guessed when Matt fell silent.

  That earned him a laugh. “Nothing that exciting, I’m afraid. Articles I’d printed out at school that were examining what the Bible actually says about homosexuality. A lot of it was pretty basic stuff, like how the same passages in Leviticus which prohibit gay sex also forbid eating shellfish. Jesus never actually mentioned homosexuality. That kind of thing. I printed them out because I had to share the family computer and we didn’t have smartphones, though it didn’t turn out to make a difference in the privacy department.”

  “They kicked you out over that?” Talk about tame. It didn’t even mean Matt was gay, just that he’d been considering the possibility that homosexuality wasn’t a heinous offense to God or whatever crap his parents espoused. With the reactionary religious types it usually boiled down to the same thing.

  “Not exactly. First my mother wailed about how my vet tech program had exposed me to evil ideas, which wasn’t entirely wrong. I mean, the evil part was, but there was a proud lesbian in the group, which got me thinking that maybe there was a reason I wasn’t into any of the women, but the guy who sat next to me in Animal Pathology was…” He blushed. “Well, anyway, interaction with the wider world did help me realize that I’m gay.”

  “That’s a good thing.”

  “It is now,” said Matt. “It was a disaster at the time. My parents decided I needed to go to a conversion therapy camp immediately. I almost did, you know, because I thought they knew what was best for me. That’s how I’d been raised. I was packing my suitcase when it hit me. My older sister had gone to our parents not long before because her husband was becoming verbally abusive, and you know what they told her?”

  “No, but I doubt it was good.” Homophobia was frequently found beside misogyny, after all.

  “They told her to pray that God would show her how to be a better, more patient wife.”

  “That’s shit.” The more he heard about Matt’s family, the less Collin liked them.

  “I know, and somehow through the haze of everything I learned growing up I still recognized that, so as I was packing I wondered, ‘What if they’re doing the same thing to me? What if this isn’t in my best interest?’ If nothing else I wanted to graduate from my vet tech program first, but my parents wouldn’t allow it. So I said I wasn’t going, at least not until I graduated, and Dad told me to get out. ‘I will not have sin festering in my house,’ he told me. I grabbed my suitcase and drove away.”

  Collin had a sudden urge to call his parents and thank them for being loving, open-minded, and generally progressive. Come to think of it, he should call his grandparents too. His paternal grandparents, lifelong Catholics, had adjusted to the idea of having a gay grandson when he was a teenager. Now that marriage equality was the law of the land Grandma had taken to asking when Collin was going to settle down with a nice boy and get married, which could be irksome but wasn’t so bad compared to homophobia.

  “You’re very strong,” said Collin, giving Matt’s hand a supportive squeeze. “I admire that.”

  Matt turned to face him. “Really?”

  “Absolutely.” A quick kiss before he added, “To recognize how fucked up their worldview was when you’d spent your whole life in it, to have the courage to walk away – that’s amazing. You should be proud of yourself.”

  “Oh,” said Matt, “at that point I only realized the tip of the iceberg of fucked-uppery. Is that a word?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  “Okay. More came later: the total lack of boundaries; everyone so codependent and under my dad’s control; the way we were so isolated that I had no clue about normal social interaction; how much guilt I felt whenever my parents disapproved and the way that influenced everything. I’m still working with my therapist on it all,” Matt admitted, eyeing Collin’s reaction.

  “As long as it’s the helpful kind and not conversion therapy.” There were few things Collin hated more than conversion therapy. “Besides being impossible, I wouldn’t want to be anything but who I am.”

  “I would have, at first,” said Matt quietly. “I’d have given anything to be straight. Now I’m glad, because if I wasn’t gay I might never have gotten away. I mean, it was hard. It still is hard, but I’m so much happier and freer now. I even read The Hobbit.”

  Collin didn’t follow. “What about The Hobbit?”

  “It has a wizard, which means when I tried to check it out of the library I wasn’t allowed because it was Satanic.”

  “That’s nuts.” Not to mention an absolutely miserable environment in which to grow up. Did these people think fun was sinful as a general principle? “They made three movies out of that book, and you don’t see the streets being overrun with Satanists.”

  “You see what I mean about being free?”

  “Yeah.” He was also glad that Matt was happy to be gay. Nobody who would still give anything to be straight was ready for a relationship, or at least a relationship with Collin who was out, proud, and employed by an LGBT center.

  “I know I can be down on myself for being socially awkward, because it makes me feel out of place and uncomfortable. Other than that, though, I’m really happy with who I am.”

  “That’s always good.” It wasn’t necessarily an easy goal for anyone, not least gay men who grew up in homophobic environments.

  “But I was telling you about Sarah,” said Matt, clearly relieved to move past the subject of his awful family. “I lived in my car after my parents kicked me out. I didn’t really know anyone besides my family because we were all homeschooled.”

  “Not even people from church?”

  “Our church was all extended family. Aunt, uncles, twenty-nine cousins.”

  Wow, he hadn’t been exaggerating on the isolation he grew up with. “Twenty-nine cousins?” Collin had seven.

  “My family t
akes the ‘multiply and be fruitful’ line very seriously. That’s just my dad’s side; I might have more on my mom’s but we’ve never been in touch with her sister. Anyway, I had a little money saved up but I knew I’d need it to move once I got a job. I showered in the school gym, worked in a bookstore three days a week, and was holding it together pretty well. Luckily, this all happened not long before graduation, so my tuition had already been paid.”

  He shifted, leaning on Collin more. This was obviously not an easy conversation for him to have, and Collin was impressed by the trust it demonstrated. Though it wouldn’t surprise him if Matt somehow thought he had to get all this out there so Collin had fair warning, or something along that vein.

  “Sarah and I were assigned to work on a project together. She wasn’t too happy about it because I was the weird antisocial guy, but we ended up working together pretty well.

  “Then my transmission died. The car was old and done for. It was a cold night and I didn’t want to leave Sarah’s apartment after we finished work on our project for the evening because I couldn’t even run my car to warm it up anymore. She figured out that my situation was bad, and it’d been a few weeks so in the face of someone who cared, I kinda broke down.

  “She told me I was sleeping on her couch until we graduated at least. When I asked if she was sure, she told me, ‘If your parents kicked you out for being gay I don’t have to worry about you feeling me up in my sleep, do I?’ And that was that. I stayed with her, we both ended up getting decent job offers in Philly, so we moved down and roomed together for a while. I like having my own place now and Sarah wants a nicer apartment so we decided not to live together, but we see each other a lot.”

  “You’re right. I’m sure I’ll like her,” said Collin. She sounded like a great person.

  “She suggested we could get together Tuesday night.”